英语笑话

    A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'
　　这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

儿子开始自己洗衣服之后……
    My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.
    When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.
    "Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."

I can do nothing......
    A man’s wife could not read the thermometer. She took her husband’s temperature with it and gave a call to the doctor. “Dear Doctor, please come at once. My husband’s temperature is 63.”The doctor replied, “Dear Madam, I can do nothing. Send for the fire brigade.”

do you remember?
    grandma and grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when grandma turned to grandpa and said, "honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his.
    with a wry little smile grandma pressed a little farther, "honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" grandpa leaned slowly toward grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
    growing bolder still, grandma said, "honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. alarmed, grandma said, "honey, where are you going?" grandpa replied, "to get my teeth!"

I'm the doctor
    One morning in London, it was very cold, and many people caught a cold. They had to see the doctor, so there were mwny people in the doctor's waiting room. At the head of the line was an old woman. The woman did not live in London. She lived in Scotland. She came here to visit her daughter. She wanted to see the doctor beacause she got a cold and coughed day and night.
    "If I get there early, I can see the doctor quickly," she thought. So she was the first in the line.
    She sat nearest the doctor's door. An American came into the waiting room, and walked quickly to the doctor's door. The old woman thought he was a queue jumper. She stood up and took his arm slowly, She said," We were all here before you,You must wait for your turn. Do you understand?" The American answered," No, madam. You don't understand! You are all after me! ? I'm the doctor!"

·Wife talking to her husband (who reads newspaper all day): I wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily

·A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
The father replied: I don't know son. I'm still paying!!

·At midnight father saw that his married son leaving home... He asks him: what are you doing?
The son replied: Dad I am fed up with my life! My newly marriage is not going well, my wife and my mom keep fighting with each other! I have to pay bills for my in-laws, and I hate this life!!! I want to go far from here, I want to taste every joy of life, and I want to have every fun of life!!!
Father said: Wait!!!!!!!! I am coming with you

·A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answered: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughed and said: An English girl!!!
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picked her up in the airport and asked: So honey, how was the trip?
The wife: Very good, thank you.
The husband: And, what happened to my present?
The wife: Which present?
The husband: What I asked for: the English girl?
The wife: Oh, that! Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait a few months to see if it’s a girl!!!

·A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "autumn."

·A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks(打) him on the head with a frying pan. "What the hell was that for?" he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies. Don't be silly," he says. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races(赛马), Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied at this, and she apologizes. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails(打，俚语) him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he asks again, "What the hell was that for?" "Your ****ing horse just phoned."

·Wife to husband: you were so drunk last night that you insulted your boss.
Husband: piss on him! Wife: you did and he fired you!
Husband: **** him!
Wife: I did and you can go back to work tomorrow.

·A couple drove several miles down a country road with intense silence. Not a word was said to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules(骡子) and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws".

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