A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are
only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s,
80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they
yell,'Get the kid.'
My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for
college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return
home again until the February break.
When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller
he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11
inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that
you'd grown?" I asked him.
"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just
figured everything had shrunk."
I can do nothing......
A man’s wife could not read the thermometer. She took her
husband’s temperature with it and gave a call to the doctor. “Dear Doctor,
please come at once. My husband’s temperature is 63.”The doctor replied, “Dear
Madam, I can do nothing. Send for the fire brigade.”
do you remember?
grandma and grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers
watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when
grandma turned to grandpa and said, "honey, do you remember when we first
started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his.
with a wry little smile grandma pressed a little farther,
"honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and
suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" grandpa leaned slowly toward grandma and gave
her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
growing bolder still, grandma said, "honey, do you remember
how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" grandpa
slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. alarmed, grandma said,
"honey, where are you going?" grandpa replied, "to get my teeth!"
I'm the doctor
One morning in London, it was very cold, and many people
caught a cold. They had to see the doctor, so there were mwny people in the
doctor's waiting room. At the head of the line was an old woman. The woman did
not live in London. She lived in Scotland. She came here to visit her daughter.
She wanted to see the doctor beacause she got a cold and coughed day and night.
"If I get there early, I can see the doctor quickly," she
thought. So she was the first in the line.
She sat nearest the doctor's door. An American came into the
waiting room, and walked quickly to the doctor's door. The old woman thought he
was a queue jumper. She stood up and took his arm slowly, She said," We were
all here before you,You must wait for your turn. Do you understand?" The
American answered," No, madam. You don't understand! You are all after me! ?
I'm the doctor!"
·Wife talking to her husband (who reads
newspaper all day): I wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily
·A little boy asked his father: Daddy,
how much does it cost to get married?
The father replied: I don't know son. I'm still paying!!
·At midnight father saw that his married
son leaving home... He asks him: what are you doing?
The son replied: Dad I am fed up with my life! My newly marriage is not going
well, my wife and my mom keep fighting with each other! I have to pay bills for
my in-laws, and I hate this life!!! I want to go far from here, I want to taste
every joy of life, and I want to have every fun of life!!!
Father said: Wait!!!!!!!! I am coming with you
·A woman goes to England to attend a
2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and
wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answered: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughed and said: An English girl!!!
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picked her up in the airport
and asked: So honey, how was the trip?
The wife: Very good, thank you.
The husband: And, what happened to my present?
The wife: Which present?
The husband: What I asked for: the English girl?
The wife: Oh, that! Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait a few months
to see if it’s a girl!!!
·A couple goes to an art gallery. They
find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The
wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking. The wife
asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "autumn."
·A man is sitting reading his newspaper
when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks(打) him on the head with a frying
pan. "What the hell was that for?" he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in
your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.
Don't be silly," he says. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races(赛马), Mary
Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied at this,
and she apologizes. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading
when she nails(打，俚语) him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he asks again, "What the hell was that for?" "Your ****ing
horse just phoned."
·Wife to husband: you were so drunk last
night that you insulted your boss.
Husband: piss on him! Wife: you did and he fired you!
Husband: **** him!
Wife: I did and you can go back to work tomorrow.
·A couple drove several miles down a
country road with intense silence. Not a word was said to each other. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede his
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules(骡子) and pigs, the wife
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied,